Let me tell you a tale about an infamous pig and her best pals. The tale is true, yet as with most legends, it is altered with each telling, growing grander in scope just as Ninjapig’s belly grows during this festive season.
Christmas had come and gone, and Ninjapig having done the rounds and raided every fridge from around the world, was quietly content to sleep through the New Year. Her best buds beside her, bellies not quite as round but equally full, she couldn’t ask for much more.
Yet as fate would have it, Ninjapig’s snooze would have to wait. The world needed her one more time before the clock struck midnight and all hope of good food throughout the world was lost. See our podgy little oinker, with super-sneaky skills, had discovered something wicked.
Two wicked men, with wicked, wicked ways, had come up with a decidedly wicked plan. They would open up a store that would sell microwave meals to all, yet these meals would be secretly loaded with sugar. Their customers would eat, and eat, and eat some more; then wonder why they had gained so much weight?
Their plan would then enter stage two, a weight-loss tonic that actually worked, but cost an arm and a leg, and a small lump sum. Built into the cost of the tonic, came more microwave meals, and thus the cycle continued. It would’ve been foolproof, if they hadn’t made one mistake… They made the main ingredient bacon.
Ninjapig rallied her closest friends. It didn’t take long as they were sleeping beside her. She explained the situation as best she could; she was so full of festive yums that she struggled to speak clearly. Thankfully DJ Kitteh spoke perfect full-piggynese and translated the plan to the others.
Infiltrate the warehouse, and then destroy all meals. Infiltrate the tonic lab, and then confiscate the tonics for future fridge raids. The details of the plans discussed, there was only one thing left to do… Name their squad.
Through sleepy eyes, our fearless leader peered out to her pals and thought:
- DJ Kitteh, he had mad skill in mixing of various forms – music, beverages, and baking tasty cupcakes and was an all-round cool cat.
- Grill-Master Crispin, the Plushie Dragon. He was their BBQ expert and roast-master, no one could rival his artisan touch.
- Percy the Kebab-King, he was a Triceratops with a knack for… you guessed it, killer kebabs.
- Jack-O was a carved pumpkin and the seed spitting champion of the world and was also known to make an excellent pumpkin pie – but only after he drank too much punch.
- And lastly, was Ninjacorn. Not much is known about this mysterious creature save that Ninjapig counts her as one of her best friends, so that says all that we need to know about her.
Satisfied with her group, she named them Ninjapig and the Foodie Five and set off on their grand adventure.
They arrived at the warehouse at 9pm; not a soul was in sight, but Ninjapig knew they were not alone – her piggy senses were going crazy, her curly tail spinning in overdrive.
“Oinky-de-Oink-Oink!” she oinked quietly and the others nodded. They knew what was at stake; they knew they had to be careful.
Ninjacorn used her magical horn to pick the lock of the Meatball’s warehouse and allow Ninjapig and the Foodie Five access to the place; slowly they entered one by one in search of these wicked abominations that they were masquerading as food. They didn’t have to go far to realize that their task was going to be tougher than they thought.
Thousands upon thousands of packages lay stacked up on shelves; and if that wasn’t bad enough the security detail entered from the door opposite them. A menagerie of savage beasts – each one more than capable of ripping them to shreds.
They had no time to waste, Ninjapig had to act.
“Oink, Oinky McOinkers!” she oinked commandingly and the others raced forward to intercept the enemy.
Ninjapig had only one option left to her, she switched to Glutton-Stance and devoured everything in sight – be it microwave meal, cardboard box or metal shelving, all became dinner for the mighty Ninjapig. After witnessing Ninjapig in all her Gluttony-fueled binge, the beasts fearing for their own safety fled the scene leaving behind a triumphant Ninjapig and the Foodie Five.
They needed to move on, time was running out and they still needed to hit the Tonic Lab. As they started to leave the warehouse Ninjapig cried out in pain. She had eaten too much, and too fast, and couldn’t move – the metal shelving inside her was causing her tummy pains.
“Oinkaroonies!” she oinked sadly, the others must go on without her. With more than a few tears shed, the Foodie Five left Ninjapig behind to stop the Meatballs.
It was 11pm when they reached the lab, an hour before the New Year. All was quiet inside so they ventured in to grab the tonic and run. The door locked behind them and shapes emerged from behind the tanks, materializing as if out of thin air.
An ambush! A second Menagerie of minions! The Meatball’s had been expecting them, and had captured the Foodie Five without a fight. All was lost, as one by one they were thrown into the tanks; their essence would be used for the next batch of Weight-loss Tonic.
The Foodie Five prayed to the almighty Swooshy-Chair for a miracle. A mighty crash was heard from the front of the lab, and Ninjapig in all her majestic glory burst through the now broken door.
“Oink” she oinked angrily, no one messes with her pals. Her eyes glowed red and her tummy rumbled. It was eating time, and these monsters were in her way. She took a single step forward and the monsters fled, crashing through the wall of the lab itself.
Ninjapig oinked a sigh of relief; they’d bought her bluff, as she still couldn’t eat another bite. She released her friends from their prisons just in time to meet the wicked Meatball’s themselves.
They swore to give up their evil ways, and take up yoga. Ninjapig wasn’t entirely convinced but for now, they were powerless. There was only one thing left to do, she doled out a tonic for each of her buddies and herself and oinked a sneaky oink…
It was New Years Fridge Raiding time.