Chapter 8: WTF!?! (Part 1)


– Part One –

What the fuck!?! Am I a Zombie? How did this happen? Where are my folks? Is Crystal okay? What the fuck!?!

Joe WTP 1I had so many questions at this moment, all spinning through my head at a million miles an hour.

Joe WTP 2What the fuck!?! No, this can’t have happened. This has to be a dream, this is a dream huh? I kept saying to myself over and over again for about ten minutes.

Eventually I turn on the television and flick over to Channel One News. The TV is on mute at this moment, but the headline at the bottom of the screen says it all, ZOMBIE OUTBREAK???

Joe Watching News 7I change the channel to TV3 and it pretty much the same thing in the headlines but what was different here was that the news anchor was a stunning brunette beauty.

Joe Watching News 1What the fuck!?!

I turn the volume up, and hear the following report from her co-anchor:

Joe Watching News 2“Scientists have confirmed cases of Zombie-like symptoms, across all majorly populated continents. At this stage there has been no discovery of a cure, but the top biologists of the world are working around the clock to try and find one”

Joe Watching News 3Joe Watching News 4Joe Watching News 5When they came back to the news anchors I remembered thinking to myself ‘Damn that chick is hot!’ I never watched the news, so I didn’t even know her name but I was undressing her with my mind when I heard a noise off screen. It sounded like a piece of equipment falling over.

Joe Watching News 6The news anchor looks over to the origin of the noise, and screams at the top of her lungs. She tries to get out of her seat quickly, but topples over backwards in her haste. As she starts to crawl away, she ends up getting wrapped up in the cords. At this moment Nigel appears on screen, he’d lost his apron but was still wearing his “Eat-Me” T-Shirt and looking even more encrusted in gore. He easily catches up to the terrified woman, and sinks his teeth into the frightened woman’s exposed neck. Blood gushes out from the wound, Nigel had obviously bitten into the artery and his meal was bleeding out on national television.

Joe WTP 5What the fuck!?! I thought that the Nigel thing at Hell was a nightmare! What the fuck!?! He just ate that woman!

News OverI looked in the mirror again, and saw a gaping wound in my neck. How did I miss that before? What the fuck!?!

Joe WTP 4

It had missed my artery, which I’m not sure if that would’ve changed anything, but I was at least relieved about that much. I took off the remainder of my clothes, and was greeted with just minor cuts and bruises and another nasty gash on my right forearm. I assumed that I’d tried to fend off Nigel with my arm, and he’d bitten me there first before I blacked out for good, and then he got me well and truly on the neck.

TV2, Prime News, BBC and CNN, they were all the same. It was Zombie this and Zombie that, hit a Zombie over the head with a baseball bat. No cure here and no cure there, no fucking cure any-fucking-where.

Joe WTP 3No more public meals though which was disappointing, but all in all it was the same shit, different channel. Fox News were blaming terrorists, but that was a crock of shit.

Simpsons Yeeeah!At least the Simpsons were still playing on Four, I thought to myself as I flicked the channel back to catch the tail end of a Simpsons episode. They were doing one of those epic Simpsons twenty-four hour marathons, so that was kind of a blessing as I think that was the only thing that kept me sane throughout this whole ordeal… Let’s call it my ‘Origin Story’.


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