Let Me Introduce Myself…
– Part Four –
I also had a girlfriend too, Crystal McKenzie was her name. Man was she hot! She was blonde, 5ft nothing, she had an extremely gorgeous body and a nice ass to boot. But (in her own words) she ‘wasn’t the sharpest cookie in the deck!’ She had about the IQ of a half-full jar of Mayonnaise, actually that would be insulting to the Mayonnaise.
Crystal liked to smoke, dance, drink and fuck and not necessarily in that order or at the same time. I met Crystal at my local video store, we both reached for the only copy of the Princess Bride and playfully fought over who was going to rent it.
I still see my parents every now and then, they got bit so have joined the Zombie cause. Mum and Dad have their own horde, so proud of them! I know it’s hard to pick up on a book page, but for those that struggle with this kind of thing, I was being sarcastic.
But in all honesty, this Zombie obsession with Human meat is just so boring! None of these dim-witted douche-bags that call themselves Zombies play with their food, it’s all about the end game and not how you get there for them.
The whole point of this book, is to provide people with some insight to the day-to-day life of a Zombie. You know what I find frustrating? There are hundreds of Zombie movies, but none of them are from the Zombie perspective.
Well, I suppose there is Warm Bodies, but that’s not even close to how things are. What’s up with that? It’s discrimination I tell you! I would sue, if money actually meant anything in today’s society, or if I wasn’t so lazy. In all fairness though, it is probably just that no Zombie screenwriters/directors have thought about it yet.
What I want to share with you all, is my experiences as a Zombie over the past three years. I’m not very good at English, I failed it at High School, so I’ll probably go off on random tangents that make no sense, I probably already have. So all I can do is apologize for this.
These last three years have been the time of my life. Well, technically this would be classified as my “undeath”, but we’ll stick with life to keep things simple. Depending on my mood at the time I may even share some trade secrets on how to avoid Zombie attacks. What to look for, what to avoid, that kind of stuff.
Please note though, these secrets will not work on me, so if you see me coming you’re pretty much fucked.
So where to begin? I know, how about the beginning!