Chapter 4: Let Me Introduce Myself… (Part 4)

Let Me Introduce Myself…

– Part Four –

Crystal & JoeI also had a girlfriend too, Crystal McKenzie was her name. Man was she hot! She was blonde, 5ft nothing, she had an extremely gorgeous body and a nice ass to boot. But (in her own words) she ‘wasn’t the sharpest cookie in the deck!’ She had about the IQ of a half-full jar of Mayonnaise, actually that would be insulting to the Mayonnaise.

Shes So StupidCrystal liked to smoke, dance, drink and fuck and not necessarily in that order or at the same time. I met Crystal at my local video store, we both reached for the only copy of the Princess Bride and playfully fought over who was going to rent it.

Joe & Crystal 2Joe & Crystal 3We ended up Paper, Scissor, Rocking for it and I won, so I asked her over to watch it with me. The rest is history.

Joe & CrystalI still see my parents every now and then, they got bit so have joined the Zombie cause. Mum and Dad have their own horde, so proud of them! I know it’s hard to pick up on a book page, but for those that struggle with this kind of thing, I was being sarcastic.

Zombie ParentsThat’s what they would like you to believe. That they’re capable of leading anything but you’ll most likely catch them doing this if you see them around.

Zombie Parents 2Zombie Parents 3And Crystal and I are still together, she actually got smarter I think?

Still With CrystalWe tend to keep to ourselves though, occasionally going out to join the hordes to “keep up appearances”.

Keeping Up AppearancesKeeping Up Appearances 2But in all honesty, this Zombie obsession with Human meat is just so boring! None of these dim-witted douche-bags that call themselves Zombies play with their food, it’s all about the end game and not how you get there for them.

Writing A BookThe whole point of this book, is to provide people with some insight to the day-to-day life of a Zombie. You know what I find frustrating? There are hundreds of Zombie movies, but none of them are from the Zombie perspective.

 Well, I suppose there is Warm Bodies, but that’s not even close to how things are. What’s up with that? It’s discrimination I tell you! I would sue, if money actually meant anything in today’s society, or if I wasn’t so lazy. In all fairness though, it is probably just that no Zombie screenwriters/directors have thought about it yet.

Writing A Book 2What I want to share with you all, is my experiences as a Zombie over the past three years. I’m not very good at English, I failed it at High School, so I’ll probably go off on random tangents that make no sense, I probably already have. So all I can do is apologize for this.

Thats My EditorI have to do this for myself, because unfortunately I ate my last editor, and now I’ve been blacklisted from many publishing firms.

Tasted Pretty Good TooI don’t regret it for a second though, with a touch of salt and pepper, and a splash of lime juice and he tasted amazing!

These last three years have been the time of my life. Well, technically this would be classified as my “undeath”, but we’ll stick with life to keep things simple. Depending on my mood at the time I may even share some trade secrets on how to avoid Zombie attacks. What to look for, what to avoid, that kind of stuff.

 Please note though, these secrets will not work on me, so if you see me coming you’re pretty much fucked.

 So where to begin? I know, how about the beginning!

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10 thoughts on “Chapter 4: Let Me Introduce Myself… (Part 4)”

  1. Well, the moment he casually said he ate his editor, I was sold on this story! I like this kind of rambly but still well-written style too. And I like how the zombie apocalypse isn’t considered that big a deal, all things considered.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Omg, where have I been my whole life and why wasn’t I reading this? It’s freakin’ hilarious – I absolutely adore the zombie horde consisting of poor, bitten pre-mades.

    And I’m afraid I’m not feeding my sims franks and beans ever again – that meal looks way too authentic and editor-like 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s the best use of pre-mades I reckon! 😀

      Aw come on, be adventurous, maybe your sims would enjoy ‘Seasoned Editor Stew’ it would be even better if it was a seasoned editor! XD

      Like

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